


Five People Who Popped Wade Wilson's Cherry (And a Few Who Didn't)

by royalbees



Category: Deadpool (2016)
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-19
Updated: 2016-10-19
Packaged: 2018-08-23 08:35:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8321119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/royalbees/pseuds/royalbees
Summary: Okay, so you can argue that the title plays around with the concept of virginity as it relates to men and women and sex, but haha, mostly that's bullshit.  "five times deadpool really politely fucked people in the ass and those selfish fuckers didn't return the favor," how bout that?

  ...apparently all names were gonna be changed to protect the identities of certain selfish assholes, but c'mon, how hard is it to do your buddy a solid once he takes care of you?  not that fuckin' hard.





	

Weasel (bc, before cancer, back when teenage girls still looked at wade like he was their fairy godmother - godfather - whenever he did something fucking easy like straighten out asshole teenagers):

"It can't possibly be that hard," Wade said, because a) it couldn't, and b) it was a little embarrassing, listening to Weasel talk about taking the rear entrance like it was the Mount Everest of sex. If he got this worked up about his girlfriend - Taina, Tanya, somebody - suggesting a little anal, Wade didn't want to think about how sad his previous sexual experience had been.

"The fact that you'd even say that to me demonstrates that you've never done it and don't know what you're talking about," Weasel said, and frowned. "This fistbump is strictly for getting _hard_ in there. I appreciate your puns even when you say stupid shit."

Wade tapped his knuckles against Weasel's, because who was he to turn down free fistbumps? The tequila wasn't free, but that went down the hatch (to give him to time to think of a polite way to deal with Weasel and his nerdy, ridiculous fears-reg.-assholes.) "People have been shoving stuff in their assholes since we evolved assholes," he said, finally. "I think you're being a little fraidy cat."

"People have been breaking their own dicks for thousands of years too," Weasel said, because he fought dirty and was probably the only guy Wade knew who could talk about broken dicks without automatically wincing. "The vagina self-lubricates, the anus doesn't - wait, stop it, hold on, we're googling broken dicks right now, where's my phone?"

"

**

Five or six shots of tequila later, they'd decided to settle the issue like men. "Holy shit, it's not like you don't need to establish a base camp and mount an expedition - yeah, thanks," he said, finally, because jesus christ, he loved Weasel but how wrong could one guy be? "I'll show you how, you can practice, it'll take like half an hour, then you go find Tanya and remind her why she's seeing you."

Weasel might not've been able to stand upright, but he still managed to aim a (frankly insulting) incredulous sneer at Wade's left ear. "Five minutes ago you didn't know what anal tears are, and now you think you're taking the back door to the inner sanctum?"

If there hadn't been so much tequila puddling up the highway between brain and mouth, Wade would've been able to rebut all of Weasel's (stupid) arguments. As it was, it was much easier to catch Weasel (for the seventh time since stumbling towards Wade's studio), stabilize his trigger finger on Wade's shoulder, and line their faces up. "Okay, but think about it like this," Wade said, firmly, and had just enough time to see Weasel's eyes get big and surprised (what? like he thought Wade was really gonna puss out? fuckin' ridiculous) before Wade kissed him. Wasn't too different from kissing women; Weasel tensed up for a second, went loose after a couple of seconds, and grabbed Wade by the back of the head and opened up like he had something to prove right after that. That wasn't so surprising; the surprising part was how quick Wade's whole body sat up and took notice. Sure, they'd been talking about sex, but it'd been an argument. He'd popped half a boner a while ago, but that sometimes happened when he took the time to get into a good time-wasting fight with Weas. Shit that he'd always known about Weasel struck him all funny this close, like how his stupid lazy stubble scraped against Wade's jaw and how he might not've known how do to anything but shoot a gun, but his hands were still big and rough. Yeah, Wade thought, suddenly, right before Weasel pulled back, breathing hard and looked about as freaked out as Wade felt, wearing the wait-who-knew-you-were-hot? expression Wade could feel on his own stupid rebellious face.

"what the fuck," Weasel said.

"Right?" Wade agreed, right before Weasel leaned back and punched him in the shoulder, hard. "Ow! what the fuck?"

"That's for jumping me with your mouth!" Weasel looked - well, he looked like a freaked out guy with a boner in the alley behind Wade's place. Noticing Weasel's boner got Wade realizing that there they were, the two of them, wearing identical freaked-out expressions and poorly-concealed erections. New kink? he wondered; man, that'd be weird.

Wade stared straight at Weasel's disturbingly sexy wet mouth and angry eyebrows. Weasel had...shoulders? Good shoulders, for a nerd. "Weas," he said. "Obviously I was gonna kiss you, you don't fuck people in the butt if you're not gonna kiss 'em, kissing comes first, this isn't Pretty Woman."

"Why are all of your ideas always this bad?" Weasel asked, and clutched his face with one hand.

That was fine. It meant he had one hand left over for Wade, so he grabbed it. (At that point, skipping up the stairs followed logically, but the staircase in his building hadn't been designed for two grown, intoxicated men to skip in tandem. Much less two grown men carrying the number of guns they were currently carrying. At least -) "You have a gun, right?"

Weasel made muffled groaning noises from underneath his own hand.

Wade got the door to his apartment unlocked and poked Weasel until he went in.

"yes," Weasel said, collapsing onto the sofa and glaring at Wade's ceiling while Wade started double-checking the windows. "Why do I need a gun, Wade?"

"Why would you _not_ have a gun on you, what kind of unsafe sex have you been having?" After all, even fun new experiments like this required a little common sense. Still: "Guns go under the bed," Wade told him. "Except Betty. Betty goes under the pillow with me during cuddle time, because otherwise I don't fall asleep."

"I'm not letting you despoil my virgin ass if you've got a loaded weapon under the pillow," Weasel said, which would've been enough, honestly, so the "I fuckin' remember Reno, I'm not _stupid_ ," was really unnecessary. 

"I don't need one under the pillow, I got your loaded weapon right here" Wade said, cheerfully, grabbing his crotch, and shoved Weasel across the bed. He sprawled all pretty, wiry and lean and still patiently waiting for Wade to tell him the game plan, even long after most assholes would've shrugged the whole idea off or whipped their dicks out, looking for a blowjob.


End file.
